Beginning with Issue #1 of Mutiny Magazine, the Whisperer spared no one in his mission to "vanquish venereal vexation." Written in haste, usually during the final hour before deadline, and packed with deliberate grammatical errors, logical inconsistencies and downright impoliteness, it became the most popular column in the magazine.
Dear Wench Whisperer,
Last
night I was awakened by my fiancee emptying a pot of scalding coffee on
my crotch. I screamed and rolled onto the floor to get away from her.
Then she broke the glass pot over my head. I locked myself in the
bathroom and she began kicking at the door and accusing me of having
cheated on her. While it's true that I didn't come home on New Year's
night, that was only because I was too drunk and I passed out. The
reason I didn't call was because I'd puked on my cellphone but she
thinks it's because I was shagging another wench.
This wasn't the first time she's attacked me. Sometimes I don't even
know that she's angry until I hear a sudden scream or a nail file stabs
me from behind. When she finally tells me what she's mad about it's
usually some silly triviality and she can't explain why she became
violent over it. She'll insist it was her hormones that caused her mood
to swing and therefore she wasn't really responsible for her behavior
and tells me I'm an insensitive bastard if I don't understand that.
Can a woman's hormones really cause her to behave like a homicidal
freak? If so, what can I do about it? We intend to be married in a few
weeks but I may just run for my life instead. I want to make things work
but I'm terrified of her.
-Burned and Fearful
Dear Burned (and deserves to be if he marries this shrew)
it doesn't matter why
a woman breaks things over your head, what matters is that she does it.
And her hormones are a part of her just as much as her face or her mind
or that wretched misery-spewing pit that passes for her soul. If her
hormones want to kill you then she wants to kill you. Accept that.
Consider, as well; men have hormones too. Including a powerful hormone called testosterone
which compels us to infidelities, random violence and aspirations of
world-domination, yet men don't get the luxury of blaming testosterone
for murders, wars, or even the occasional ass-grab. As men, we are
expected to keep our hormones under control. Try shagging her best
friend and then asking her to understand because your hormones made you
act against your will. Women are often able to inculpate "hormonal imbalances" for their own irrational actions but no man has ever won with the "testosterone made me do it" defense. It's an unfair double standard, but life is unfair. Accept that, too.
But before you change your identity and relocate under the Federal PMS Protection Program
remember that a woman's inner psycho-bitch will (usually) never
manifest at all unless the right asshole comes along to coax it out of
her. So ask yourself whether or not You. Are. That. Asshole.
If so, please don't inflict yourself upon the rest of the female
species. Keep the one you have. You deserve her and nobody else deserves
either of you.
Lastly, whether you provoked this
treatment or not, if you marry this wench then you are an idiot who
deserves to be killed and supplanted by a more intelligent species.
You're so stupid that Darwin himself could not explain your existence. Now, wait until her back is turned and Run. Like. Hell.
-You've been whispered.
Dear Wench Whisperer,
my girlfriend is mad at me just because I didn't give her anything on
Valentine's Day. Why is this such a big deal? Isn't Valentine's Day
just a lame-ass gimmick invented by florists and greeting card
corporations to make money off of idiots? She gets mad at me pretty
often so I thought this was just another stupid thing but now she won't
even speak to me anymore. I desperately need some help here. How can I
make her get over this thing?
-No Idiot
Dear Idiot,
i'm going to be honest because i care, well, i don't really care but i
do really pity you for being dense enough that you'd commit an
unforgivable impropriety and then expect a woman to "get over" it.
Ignoring Valentine's Day is not "just another stupid thing,"
it's a very big deal. You haven't merely deprived her of a pleasant
evening she was looking forward to, you have humiliated her. When her
friends will ask her (and they will) "What did you do on Valentine's Day?" or "What did your boyfriend get you?" she'll have to tell them "nothing,"
and she's probably going to cry when she does. Her friends will pity
her, of course, and think (correctly) that you are an unmitigated
arsehole and from that moment on they will be a cabal of conspirators to
get her to dump you. (these things are probably already occurring,
btw).
And all because you thought Valentine's Day was stupid. Really?
Christmas parades, the Super Bowl, and Disneyland are also stupid, but
they make people happy. And if something is going to make your wench
happy then it shouldn't matter to you if it's stupid. Furthermore,
ignoraNus; Valentine's Day has been around for centuries, longer than
most florists and greeting card companies. It wasn't invented just to
rip people off so, believe me, nobody
is respecting your principled stand against conformity and corporate
manipulation. Your girl probably suspects you're just a cheap bastard,
looking for an excuse not to spend money on her. But let her think so.
It's better than her thinking the truth, which is that you're an idiot.
Do you know what actually was
invented by florists and card companies though? The Anti-Valentine's
Day movement, which is entirely a ruse to exploit people's bitterness as
a means of selling (worthless) dead flowers that the florist would have
had to throw away anyhow. Yeah, carve this into a tree and hug it,
hippie: those Anti-Valentine greeting cards are an industry so sizable
that it now rivals the very thing it's protesting. So you're not exactly
spewing originality or rebelliously sticking it to the man with your
non-observance of the holiday, the only person you're sticking it to is
yourself because, trust me, you're going to be climbing the mast
one-handed for many nights to come Captain skinFlint.
Nonetheless -only because there's a biblical edict that the stupid
will always be among us and we should help them- i'm going to help you.
First of all, you must acknowledge: You. Were. Wrong. Don't even try
to save face about it. Sun Tzu himself couldn't strategize a victory in
that battle. But hopefully you can learn something from all the great
sex that you're Not. Going. To. Get. for the next several months.
An apology will not be adequate in this situation. You are going to have to repent.
You must convince her that you've had an epiphany, realized how wrong
you were (and explain to her why), and that you are now a changed
person. She'll forgive you only if she believes this will never happen again.
Mind you; Do NOT give her flowers at this time.
Flowers should never be included with an apology because then every
flower she receives for the rest of her life -no matter the
occasion- will only remind her of how angry she is at you right now.
There is a reasonable chance that you can survive this and get your
girl back, but it will only happen if you truly comprehend why you were
wrong. The truth can't free you if you're too obstinate to acknowledge
it. She might actually respect you for demonstrating the mental capacity
to learn from a mistake and then correct yourself accordingly (most
people aren't smart or humble enough to do even that) so, go ahead, be one of the
few.
-You've been whispered.
